finally, she's back.

it has been a hot minute since i've been on here.  and i could apologize to my "followers"-- but i am a lot smarter than that.. haha.  i'm pretty sure i have about only a handful of people that read this... and of course, that is when they have nothing better to do. so, instead, after much thinking, i should apologize to myself.  i think that this blog became sort of my accountability and for a while, i was doing great.  and then, i don't know what happened.  eehhh, scratch that. i do know what happened.  i got a job. i became extremely busy and pushed this to the side. way, way to the side. i always thought about it, but 'never got around to it'.  i need to be able to learn how to balance everything out. i can't be going in and out of this 'puddle' i constantly find myself in.  i don't like it.  i tell myself daily, i know how to be where i want to be so why not just do it? apparently, its not that easy? so i am going to try and commit myself to writing in this blog daily- even if it doesn't have to do with modeling. because i still have a goal and i still want to reach it.  and if this is going to help me stay committed within myself, causing me to reach my goal faster-- well, then, there's really nothing to talk about.

i came across a quote on my older brothers facebook page that really made me question everything.  very simple and to the point... "you make your priorities clear through your actions".  yea, you can't get any more real than that.  i was kind of taken back and made me realize, what the hell am i doing? but of course, after i read that- i let it soak for about 10 minutes, and continued on with my life.  my motivation has been lifted from me for some reason.  that drive that i once had.. i need to get it back.  but how? is the question i've been asking.. and why is it gone?! 


you know, it may be that i work with a lot of amazing people at A&F and they are all mostly signed to agencies.  and when i say mostly, i mean mostly.  maybe 2 aren't. one of those being myself and another girl- and thats because she doesn't model. ha. well anyway, i see these girls- and they are signed with these great agencies and then here i am. where i have been busting my ass to lose weight and get pictures taken and agencies won't take me.  you would think that would motivate me some more and light a fire under my ass, no? nope.  i don't work that way unfortunately.  it just happens so easily for them.  which makes me think, maybe i'm not supposed to doing this if i have to work this hard for it? ...because how hard to you have to work to become a model? ...right? 


in this city, damn hard.  and i'm not stopping.  

is it worth it...?

I'm here. They're there. Something happens.. And I can't do anything about it.  Is it worth it? I mean, is this all worth it? Any of it? Me living in "the city of dreams", is it worth not being with my family? Not being there in times of need? I fully understand that if I were there, I probably would have the same capacity that I have now of doing anything but just being around that person that needs your support makes all the difference. At least for me.  I know I would want that.  That is what I miss most.  Being surrounded by the people that I KNOW love me.  We don't even have to talk... Just stand next to me.  The presence of these people bring me such peace and joy. And today, I can't do that to one of the people that means the most in my life.  Why? because I'm here.  Is it me being selfish? I hate this.  I just want to be there.  I want to help- do something. My tears won't stop-  they just keep falling like clockwork.  I'm sure it's going to be a great compliment for work.  I'm a mess today.  I wish I could blink and be in Miami. If life could be that simple, eh? My apologies if this didn't make much sense... I'm all over the place today.  

So somethings happening... And I don't like I one bit. I feel like I'm losing my motivation, my drive to make it. Actually, maybe that's not entirely true.  Maybe I'm just let down.  I let myself down a lot... And yes, I know- we are our own worse critiques but I cant help but to feel this way. I just see so many people achieving so much... And please, don't misinterpret what I'm saying, I love that they are but I feel like I am working as hard as they are in some things- why aren't I seeing the same results? Whats wrong with ME? Ya know? If I'm doing the same things, maybe a little more at times, why is it that I'm seeing different results.  Not good enough ones. Not so sure that last sentence made sense.  Oh well, in my head it did.  Anyway, back to the point at hand... I dont want to fail. I set these goals for myself and my biggest fear, is failing. Not achieving what I've been working toward.  Makes me think if I work this hard, and don't make it.... Is it worth it? But there is this burning desire for me- and I feel like I will, as so many other people will.  But for right now, I'm going through a little bump in the road called "#ifeelasimnotgoodenough".  Im always trying to motivate myself in different ways... But for some reason, something is trying to knock me down.  But here is the silver lining, this is JUST a bump and I will drive (or walk, jump, run, or if I have to.... I will crawl over that bitch. (Just sayin'). I know that I can and I will... You'll see. Until then... Thanks for letting me vent on the subway ;) 

danskin!

the site went up over the thanksgiving holiday! i loved it! here are some screenshots! :)

xo, 

me <3

shoots.

people have asked me to post the pictures of the shoots i have done.. so here they are!

photographer: netty polanco 
twitter: @nettyp
facebook: http://www.facebook.com/NettyP

photographer: derick g.  

www.derickg.com/ @derickg

mua: venita applebaum 

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=629865038

photographer: lysander clase http://www.facebook.com/LysanderClase
mua: reyna sheek
http://www.facebook.com/sheekmakeup

photographer: dexter king
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Dexter-King-Photography/110341725679911
mua: keila rivera
http://www.facebook.com/Keila25

photographer: robert billings

http://www.facebook.com/riven

mua: risa robbins-moloney @risarm

http://www.facebook.com/MakeupbyRisaRM

i should be receiving some more shots soon so stayed tuned! hope you liked them! 

xo, 

me <3