finally, she's back.

it has been a hot minute since i've been on here.  and i could apologize to my "followers"-- but i am a lot smarter than that.. haha.  i'm pretty sure i have about only a handful of people that read this... and of course, that is when they have nothing better to do. so, instead, after much thinking, i should apologize to myself.  i think that this blog became sort of my accountability and for a while, i was doing great.  and then, i don't know what happened.  eehhh, scratch that. i do know what happened.  i got a job. i became extremely busy and pushed this to the side. way, way to the side. i always thought about it, but 'never got around to it'.  i need to be able to learn how to balance everything out. i can't be going in and out of this 'puddle' i constantly find myself in.  i don't like it.  i tell myself daily, i know how to be where i want to be so why not just do it? apparently, its not that easy? so i am going to try and commit myself to writing in this blog daily- even if it doesn't have to do with modeling. because i still have a goal and i still want to reach it.  and if this is going to help me stay committed within myself, causing me to reach my goal faster-- well, then, there's really nothing to talk about.

i came across a quote on my older brothers facebook page that really made me question everything.  very simple and to the point... "you make your priorities clear through your actions".  yea, you can't get any more real than that.  i was kind of taken back and made me realize, what the hell am i doing? but of course, after i read that- i let it soak for about 10 minutes, and continued on with my life.  my motivation has been lifted from me for some reason.  that drive that i once had.. i need to get it back.  but how? is the question i've been asking.. and why is it gone?! 


you know, it may be that i work with a lot of amazing people at A&F and they are all mostly signed to agencies.  and when i say mostly, i mean mostly.  maybe 2 aren't. one of those being myself and another girl- and thats because she doesn't model. ha. well anyway, i see these girls- and they are signed with these great agencies and then here i am. where i have been busting my ass to lose weight and get pictures taken and agencies won't take me.  you would think that would motivate me some more and light a fire under my ass, no? nope.  i don't work that way unfortunately.  it just happens so easily for them.  which makes me think, maybe i'm not supposed to doing this if i have to work this hard for it? ...because how hard to you have to work to become a model? ...right? 


in this city, damn hard.  and i'm not stopping.