untitled.

disclaimer: these posts are getting a little more and more personal. i may or may not have shed a tear while writing. ha.


i don't remember the last time i was brought to tears because of my body.  oh wait... yes i do.  happens more often than not.  and please, before i continue, this is not a post asking for pity.  i was just having a conversation with a friend about where i want to be in 10 years.  and honestly, i want to continue modeling. i sincerely want to make it in this industry.  anyway, he asked me what my goals are.. and i told him. i want SI and VS more than anything and right away he said "you're gorgeous and you have the body for it" (he's a guy... their main target. you would think they want girls shaped like me).. and right away, without hesitation, i said: "no. im too big. i need to loose massive amounts of weight to get there."  he stopped me dead in my tracks.  telling me that being "anorexic skinny" is not pretty or healthy for that matter and that he wants me to chase my dreams, by all means... but not to destroy myself for it.

i had a casting a couple days back for fashion week that went extremely well which, in turn caused me to come into work late for my shift at abercrombie.  when i walked in, one of the managers told me "since you're late, go to the 3rd floor." (sidenote: if you're on the 1st floor, you wear the hoochie shorts with tights, if you're on the 2nd or 3rd: its just the hoochie shorts.) as soon as she said this, my morale quickly went to the floor. this was going to be a problem. we had already spoken about this and how i can't wear the shorts without tights because i will be exposing the bits and goodies. anyway, i kept my mouth shut, and went to try them on.  a size bigger for more length. i tried them on.  make a quick turn. yea, no chance.

i called the manager i was speaking with and told her my situation.  to make a long story short... basically, she told me that what am i going to do when the "weather changes and the outfits change with them? as a model, i should be able to go on all floors, not just stay on one." I asked her if we could cross that bridge when we get to it, and basically, she just said- "but you have to be on the 3rd floor now and we have to cross this bridge now." when they hired me, they knew i was not shaped like the other girls. that i was packing a little more junk in the trunk.  i started getting a little frustrated and then, it just came pouring out... the tears that no one saw coming- a couple years of frustration. pouring out. and then it just hit me.  everything that i've wanted to do... be it dancing, modeling, working in whatever field i choose at the time, has been cut short or i've never been given full opportunities because of the way i am shaped.  now what the hell kind of reason is that? seriously. anyone care to answer? i'll listen. i promise.

i will never, ever, ever, forget- trying out for dance team, when the coach pulled me aside and told me "you have everything we are looking for. great technique, perfect facials, i am drawn to your dancing. you move me. however, your butt is just too big"... and i wasn't offered a position on the squad. WHO SAYS THAT?! another explanation? nothing? oh. ok.

there are so many more examples of instances just like this one but there is no need to dwell into the past anymore (its funny i keep saying that but its like its haunting me. i need to heal.)... but i've always wondered why i've had such low self-esteem. it's all clicking.  when its been pounded into your head that you don't look good enough or skinny enough.  honestly, i wonder how i'm not anorexic at this point.

so here is my question.  fact: im not anorexic.  but am i destroying myself? emotionally? should i continue to fight with my body to conform to fashions and society's "perfect body" so that i have a better "chance" of making my dreams come true to OR grow emotionally (a constant struggle) and accept that this is my body and fight with the fashion industy and society and break this awful mold that has been holding back so many beautiful amazing woman that have been working so hard to create a name for themselves in this industry?  its a never ending cycle.  sometimes i want to just be me. to say that i was the first "regular-sized" model to grace the runway of Victoria's Secret or the Cover of Sports Illustrated.. but how realistic is that? Do I need to be as tiny as all the other ones?

...i mean, the ones that do succeed are the ones that did something different and made an impact, right?

that was a quick little vent. thanks for reading. xo.