untitled.

disclaimer: these posts are getting a little more and more personal. i may or may not have shed a tear while writing. ha.


i don't remember the last time i was brought to tears because of my body.  oh wait... yes i do.  happens more often than not.  and please, before i continue, this is not a post asking for pity.  i was just having a conversation with a friend about where i want to be in 10 years.  and honestly, i want to continue modeling. i sincerely want to make it in this industry.  anyway, he asked me what my goals are.. and i told him. i want SI and VS more than anything and right away he said "you're gorgeous and you have the body for it" (he's a guy... their main target. you would think they want girls shaped like me).. and right away, without hesitation, i said: "no. im too big. i need to loose massive amounts of weight to get there."  he stopped me dead in my tracks.  telling me that being "anorexic skinny" is not pretty or healthy for that matter and that he wants me to chase my dreams, by all means... but not to destroy myself for it.

i had a casting a couple days back for fashion week that went extremely well which, in turn caused me to come into work late for my shift at abercrombie.  when i walked in, one of the managers told me "since you're late, go to the 3rd floor." (sidenote: if you're on the 1st floor, you wear the hoochie shorts with tights, if you're on the 2nd or 3rd: its just the hoochie shorts.) as soon as she said this, my morale quickly went to the floor. this was going to be a problem. we had already spoken about this and how i can't wear the shorts without tights because i will be exposing the bits and goodies. anyway, i kept my mouth shut, and went to try them on.  a size bigger for more length. i tried them on.  make a quick turn. yea, no chance.

i called the manager i was speaking with and told her my situation.  to make a long story short... basically, she told me that what am i going to do when the "weather changes and the outfits change with them? as a model, i should be able to go on all floors, not just stay on one." I asked her if we could cross that bridge when we get to it, and basically, she just said- "but you have to be on the 3rd floor now and we have to cross this bridge now." when they hired me, they knew i was not shaped like the other girls. that i was packing a little more junk in the trunk.  i started getting a little frustrated and then, it just came pouring out... the tears that no one saw coming- a couple years of frustration. pouring out. and then it just hit me.  everything that i've wanted to do... be it dancing, modeling, working in whatever field i choose at the time, has been cut short or i've never been given full opportunities because of the way i am shaped.  now what the hell kind of reason is that? seriously. anyone care to answer? i'll listen. i promise.

i will never, ever, ever, forget- trying out for dance team, when the coach pulled me aside and told me "you have everything we are looking for. great technique, perfect facials, i am drawn to your dancing. you move me. however, your butt is just too big"... and i wasn't offered a position on the squad. WHO SAYS THAT?! another explanation? nothing? oh. ok.

there are so many more examples of instances just like this one but there is no need to dwell into the past anymore (its funny i keep saying that but its like its haunting me. i need to heal.)... but i've always wondered why i've had such low self-esteem. it's all clicking.  when its been pounded into your head that you don't look good enough or skinny enough.  honestly, i wonder how i'm not anorexic at this point.

so here is my question.  fact: im not anorexic.  but am i destroying myself? emotionally? should i continue to fight with my body to conform to fashions and society's "perfect body" so that i have a better "chance" of making my dreams come true to OR grow emotionally (a constant struggle) and accept that this is my body and fight with the fashion industy and society and break this awful mold that has been holding back so many beautiful amazing woman that have been working so hard to create a name for themselves in this industry?  its a never ending cycle.  sometimes i want to just be me. to say that i was the first "regular-sized" model to grace the runway of Victoria's Secret or the Cover of Sports Illustrated.. but how realistic is that? Do I need to be as tiny as all the other ones?

...i mean, the ones that do succeed are the ones that did something different and made an impact, right?

that was a quick little vent. thanks for reading. xo.

i'm flyin' out to cali.

so i haven't made it aware on this blog that i booked the gig with Clairol for the hair show in california..they're chopping my locks and dying my hair! they sent me a picture of what they are doing to it but i'm still coming to terms with them cutting it. the dying part, i can cover that up- but the length of it... eehhhhhh, it's gonna take a while for it to grow back!

i am so excited well because, i've never been but also, because its for a job! hopefully, this is the first of many more coming!  

...i don't know whats going on. nothing is coming out of me right now. not so in the mood to write right now.  i'll come back.

visions mean something.

back when i was living in miami, i had about 30 pictures or so of victoria secret and sport illustrated models all over my room and behind my door.  every time one of my friends or family members walked in, they would either question me, ask if i was ok, or just make fun of me.  what was the point of this? well, at this point: i still had dreams of modeling but the main reason these pictures were up was to motivate me to lose weight.  fast forward a couple months.... i lost 40 pounds.  

now, maybe a couple months before i moved to new york, i had this desire to cut out some magazine pictures of giselle, adriana, and some shoots that i wanted to do and i put them all in a huge piece of poster board... wrote a couple of quotes on them and viola, i had my first vision board.  that stayed in miami.  

it wasn't until recently that i reached out to an acquaintance for some advice on the industry and she brought up the vision board which got me thinking about mine and why in the heck i haven't done it here! i mean, that just wasn't like me! so what do you think i did? go on... i'll wait for you to guess.... uh huh.... yes! i made a vision board. well, started it that night.  that night being yesterday. and finished today. :)

so this is what i think- you can't just sit on your romp and wait for whatever it is you want to magically manifest in your life, you need to have your goals clear and keep them in front of you.  essentially, its the law of attraction. believe that its out there waiting for you to grab it. make the connection: see it on the board.. see it in you life. and connect it. make it come to life. it can happen.  again, this isn't meant to be some 'magic trick'- this is your constant reminder for you to take the actions needed to have these goals come to life. to stay motivated and focused on a daily basis.  

...and thats exactly what i wanted to do with my vision board.  i put things for my personal growth and of course, for my career.  i will look at it every single time i walk in my room, wake up, walk out, lay down... everything. and every time i do, i will process my goals and aspirations and i will not only think of ideas of how to reach those goals but i will see myself attaining each and everyone of them. one step at a time.  

return to me.

no, im not asking anyone to return to me.  im simply stating that i am returning to who i really am.  its incredible.  i dont really know at which point in yesterday this change happened but it did and i could not be happier.  honestly, i feel like i have experienced a miracle within myself.  it is as if i have awaken from the bad dream i was in and im now extremely conscious of the choices i make.  i have a goal, right? so every single choice i make throughout my day needs to be directed towards that goal. no matter what.  it is all connected. i cant steer away from that any longer.  but here is the little catch-  for that brief moment (to me, felt like an eternity), everything i had to do towards that "goal" felt like a chore, and that is where i was wrong.  it shouldn not be that way.  i want this- so i should love it.  i want to do this for the rest of my life, so i should do everything with love. and i guarantee that my results will be better, tenfold.

i went to a class yesterday, hot yoga to be exact.  i've taken a hand full of yoga classes before and im a dancer so it comes a little easier than most. however, when it comes to the "crow pose" or the "head stand" i have NEVER been able to do those.  and when i say never, i am not trying to be modest in any way shape or form.  i really do mean NEVER. so- point of this little side note is this: i am in my class, and the entire yoga class, my "intention" is to go back to my main focus, my goal here in ny. to succeed. so we get to the crow... um. first try- BAM. mama sticks it! what the heck is going on?!?! after 7 seconds i fall. i try again, i stick it again. really? something is going on.  moving on.... headstand. my roommate and i go against the wall just incase.. i tell her that im not even going to try it because i can never even get my legs above my head.. she encourages it.  telling me that it can't be that hard... so i give it a shot. and again, on my first try- BAM! mama sticks it again. at this point im freaked out. what the heck just happened?! seriously, i know  that  mastering (for lack of a better word) a couple yoga tricks doesn't really mean that there was a shift in the world and i will never go through my sad phase again.. but you know what, it made me see things clearly.  its all in the way you perceive things. anything is possible when you CHOOSE to look at things in the right light.

so to end this little inspirational short story, just try to improve your days by knowing that you deserve all the good.  you really do.  and believe me, it will come to you.  make a conscious effort to improve your thoughts and you will see a difference.  i did.  until next time...

finally, she's back.

it has been a hot minute since i've been on here.  and i could apologize to my "followers"-- but i am a lot smarter than that.. haha.  i'm pretty sure i have about only a handful of people that read this... and of course, that is when they have nothing better to do. so, instead, after much thinking, i should apologize to myself.  i think that this blog became sort of my accountability and for a while, i was doing great.  and then, i don't know what happened.  eehhh, scratch that. i do know what happened.  i got a job. i became extremely busy and pushed this to the side. way, way to the side. i always thought about it, but 'never got around to it'.  i need to be able to learn how to balance everything out. i can't be going in and out of this 'puddle' i constantly find myself in.  i don't like it.  i tell myself daily, i know how to be where i want to be so why not just do it? apparently, its not that easy? so i am going to try and commit myself to writing in this blog daily- even if it doesn't have to do with modeling. because i still have a goal and i still want to reach it.  and if this is going to help me stay committed within myself, causing me to reach my goal faster-- well, then, there's really nothing to talk about.

i came across a quote on my older brothers facebook page that really made me question everything.  very simple and to the point... "you make your priorities clear through your actions".  yea, you can't get any more real than that.  i was kind of taken back and made me realize, what the hell am i doing? but of course, after i read that- i let it soak for about 10 minutes, and continued on with my life.  my motivation has been lifted from me for some reason.  that drive that i once had.. i need to get it back.  but how? is the question i've been asking.. and why is it gone?! 


you know, it may be that i work with a lot of amazing people at A&F and they are all mostly signed to agencies.  and when i say mostly, i mean mostly.  maybe 2 aren't. one of those being myself and another girl- and thats because she doesn't model. ha. well anyway, i see these girls- and they are signed with these great agencies and then here i am. where i have been busting my ass to lose weight and get pictures taken and agencies won't take me.  you would think that would motivate me some more and light a fire under my ass, no? nope.  i don't work that way unfortunately.  it just happens so easily for them.  which makes me think, maybe i'm not supposed to doing this if i have to work this hard for it? ...because how hard to you have to work to become a model? ...right? 


in this city, damn hard.  and i'm not stopping.