im a wimp.

what is wrong with me? over these past few months i could say that i've tried to get signed with an agency. i could. i mean, could i? could i REALLY say that i have done everything in my power to get signed.  people would think so.  but no, i haven't.  why? because i am a damn sissy.  because i am afraid that the same thing that has happened to me for the last 9 or 10 years of my life will keep happening.  rejection.  and yes, i have sent my pictures to A LOT of agencies here in new york, and you may be thinking 'well, you haven't gotten signed to any of those...weren't you rejected?" ah! yes... but you see, not to my face.  that's where things take a turn for the interesting.  i could take a "no" via email.  but if the 'no' is in front of me... ek. God help me.

so anyway,  i recently met a new friend who is also an amazing make-up artist.. unbelievable! her work is honestly, faultless. well, she has been placed in my life for a reason, i believe, and for a good one.  although we have only spoken a few times, she inspires me.  to be me. and that i am enough.  as cheesy as it sounds, its true.  the first time we sat down and actually spoke to her, i just let it all out, it was like i was speaking to a sister who knew what i was feeling.  and she understood.  she was actually the one who asked if i had walked into any agencies and dumbfounded when i said no... she also said 'what the hell are you waiting for?!'- so last night, we agreed that by the end of next week, i would go into at least one agency.  just one.  you know, a stepping stone?  just talking about it freaks me out.  

and you know, i don't know what is wrong with me.  why am i so freaking insecure?  and please, what i am about to say is not out of conceit or cockiness at all... i am just speaking to speak... people tell me i am beautiful or gorgeous all the time.  and the thing that REALLY baffles my mind, i really get compliments when i am not wearing any make-up or just going to the gym.  which is when i think i look the worst.  i actually think it had to do with something i experienced growing up? i compared myself a lot to other girls.  i mean, i still do. clearly.  i mean, it is what it is.  right?

here it is.

so it has been about 9 months since i moved out to new york from miami and so far i'd say its been ok. others, on the other hand, looking from the outside in, would say it has been amazing adventure for me. i mean, so far, i have been in glamour magazine, on a reality tv show (Model Latina NYC on SiTV) and even walked New York Fashion Week! maybe these things let my family and friends back at home know that i am becoming "known" in the modeling industry...but in reality, these are merely drops in the ocean. Let me explain...


in november of last year i made a very rash decision to move to new york. it was because of my older brother that i am here, he was actually the one that booked my one way flight while he was with me on the phone.. i did not tell anyone until the night of thanksgiving dinner when i broke it down to my family. "what are you going to do for money?" is what my parents kept asking me...."i'll figure it out"- is what i kept repeating. in my head i kept thinking that my severance money from my previous employer was going to hold me off until at least the next year... boy, was i wrong. lets fast forward a little bit- by this point no one thought i wanted to come to new york to "model"- they basically thought i just wanted to come because i have always wanted to come live here. i kept it very secretive because of what i was going through within myself. my insecurities. what people would say of me. what they would think.


regardless, i wanted to try it out- it has been what i always wanted to do since i was a little girl. so i did. i came out here on jan. 6 and i have never been happier in a city. honest to God, this city brings me to life. as soon as that plane touched down, i felt like i was home and there was no looking back. i knew what i had to do and the only way to go was up. i looked up castings and such and found Model Latina NYC- went for it and got it! got casted for season 3 and unfortunately, or fortunately (whatever your take on it is), i didn't win. got booted off the show and cried myself all the way back to my tiny apt in the west village... maybe it was my looks, or that they already knew what they wanted or maybe it was my lack of confidence... but i sure have learned a lot from that experience and from these past 9 months here in the city.


i wanted to create this little escape to vent just as a map of my journey to my goals that i have set for myself. i have many that i will lay out here. many that are extremely hard to attain. but i will not stop until i do.  i will try to be extremely vulnerable here. something that is VERY hard for me to do in my personal life. just because i need to grow as i person, i need to rid myself of the insecurities that tie me down and continue to fight the battles within my own mind. 


people need to reach for more and this is me reaching.  i want to succeed.  i am no where near where i want to be.  i have much, much, more to go.  will you follow?