maria, maria.... you remind me of the west side story....

"to become something great you have to risk becoming nothing at all. it is only when you die to the need to become or be recognized that you are finally free to do great and amazing things. in the beginning, great and amazing things are generally considered by the mind to be silly, stupid or ridiculous. die to your desires to achieve, become and fit in. cut free from the norm and embrace the absurd. there is a fine line between genius and insanity, let yourself go so you can find that line within yourself. measure your success by how much you let yourself go and have fun. don't measure your success by what the world tells you to do.embrace your own unique quirkiness. set your imagination free. let go of the need to become and embrace the need to just be yourself." -Mastin Kipp @ the Daily Love.  he could not have said it any better.  honestly, i feel like i am finally doing this.  not 100%. but baby steps. i am learning that by going out of the "norm"- i am doing more, if you will.  and i definitely have realized this lately.  how, you ask? i will tell you.  this past weekend i finally got a job! yay! and actually, i'll have you know it is a job that i never thought i would ever do... ever.  i've been approached by this company one time too many and i always thought, why in god's name would they approach me? i don't fit their "criteria".  there i went, putting myself down.  (why did i do that? geez. still learning, folks.) anyway, i was searching away around 2am on friday night, and i found a posting that stood out to me. it just screamed "perfect job"-- basically what i need right now.  the job description is this: you are a 'model' for this company and you basically are in the store and just look pretty. :) nah, just kidding.  seriously, we are the 'face' of the brand.  when the costumers walk in, they see us, we greet them, and if they need anything, we help them.  but here is the great thing-- as models, if we have a casting or a shoot, we are excused from our shift or from being tardy.  it's awesome! there are many other perks but those are just a few... oh, also... another one.. they do castings for the national campaign! so you just might see me on one of the bags... or the stores. ;) wishful thinking, huh? oh, and by the way... the company i'm working for? it's Abercrombie & Fitch.  so the point of me bringing that up is that a lot of the other "models" that i work with are working models.  when i say working models, i mean they are signed.  with an agency.  and i think that is awesome. great for them! but i've been there for a whole two days and i've met girls that are signed with msa, click, major, and mega models.  so- here's the point finally... they all tell me all these things they've done, but all through their agency.  however, me- without an agency.  and i'm no one to toot my own horn, but i'd say i've done pretty well for myself.  i've been in the city for 10 months now, and i've been published in glamour, now going for a second time coming in march (sorry for the spoiler alert!), i'll be published in raine magazine-also coming out in march,  i've been a part of new york fashion week, and a couple more things... all on my own.  it feels good.   which brings me to my next point, maria...maria... i had a film inspired shoot today for raine magazine in which i played maria from the west side story.  i cannot wait to see these pictures! it will be a 2 page spread in the magazine which will be coming out in march! (so everyone- go get it!) now, everyone i was working with was a legit profesh! me, i mean, i'm a professional but not signed, at all.  the photographer- amazeballs.  the dude i was shooting with.. also great.  the other female model who was playing annie hall, signed. i was the only unsigned model.  the feeling was kind of.. like, underdog? i guess you could say? but i did not mind one bit. you know why? because i am finally getting it.  i finally realize that i belong there just as much as anyone else.  and i am working too damn hard to not be in the place i deserve to be in.  and if it takes me hustling the same way i've been hustling to get these jobs and NOT an agency, hey... i'll do that too.  i'll do whatever it takes for me to succeed.  but i mean,  eventually i would like to be signed to a modeling agency, a top notch one preferably.  so i can not worry about the "hustling" and just do my job! ;)  that quote in the very beginning is from the daily email i receive from the daily love.  i actually got that one today (what a coincidence, huh?).  and i feel like it ties in with what i just spoke about.  honestly, we need to be able to be different to succeed.  if we keep doing what everyone has been doing for the last 25-50 years, i mean, we will get results, but wouldn't it be better if we shock people and change it up a little? give them something they haven't seen yet? i mean, i'm sure they are bored of seeing the same thing over and over again, right...?   ps. make sure to check out mastin & the daily love on twitter @thedailylove or www.thedailylove.com and sign up for their daily e-mails! so inspiring! :)

model latina nyc.

i didn't want to write about this but since the finale party was 2 days ago and i did not attend, it has been on my mind quite a bit.  so i was one of the lucky15 chosen to be on the show, model latina nyc, on SiTV that started airing in the beginning of august.  the point of the show is basically, one girl gets chosen to represent the network as their 'model latina'- mind you, she needs to have more than just beauty.  encompassing class, brains, and all that comes with it.  teehehe. bueno,  let's talk about prizes.  the winner walks away with a hosting gig from SiTV (nice!), $25,000 (not too shabby), and what was on MY mind the entire time.... a contract with q model management.  stayed tuned to watch who wins...

so. what happened? my ass got eliminated.  twice. ha.  but here's the thing.  i get eliminated because...well, the first time for reasons we will never know.  maybe it was just for tv. i mean, they do want drama, and they did bring me back.  who knows and at this point. it doesn't even matter.  :) now, the second time- pfft. bs. you couldn't see me through the picture? gimme a break.  if the competition was really about 'a picture'- most of those girls would have gotten sent home a long time ago.  but again, null and void.  i wish everyone i worked with a lot of success because honestly, there is a lot of room for everyone in this world to succeed.  we can't be greedy.

the show was a great experience, keep in mind that it is a reality tv show... but you know what, reality is reality.  what was said, was said.  and you can choose to do either one of two things- flame the fire, or walk away.  i chose to walk away. ;)

the facts.

agencies want what? extremely thin girls that are merely skin and bones.  unfortunately for me, that is not the case.  i have been struggling with my weight for as long as i can remember.  i'm not here to say that i am extremely heavy, please do not get me wrong.  but for what i want to do, i am just not the right size.  anyway,  i have already lost a total of 45 pounds overall since i first started dieting a couple years back when i made the decision that i wasn't happy with my body.  but now, now- is when it has become extremely difficult to lose the last of it.  i've hit a plateau and i'm in between a range weight and it just plain sucks. i see these girls in castings and shoots that are all so tall and skinny and of course they get the job because it is what they are looking for.  and here is the thing, even before i meet with the casting directors, my head is all out of whack because i have already psyched myself out by comparing myself to all of these other girls who are, i hate to say it, half my size.  so what happens? my insecurities and my lack of confidence crawls up and i bomb it. another one bites the dust.

i know i can do what these girls are doing. come on.  really?  because they have skinnier legs?  give me a break.  don't people like curves?  people are hypocrites is what they are.  people in the fashion industry are saying that they are welcoming "curvier" models..... ummmmm....... where are they?  if by curvier models you mean women with bigger breasts, i'm not buying it.

sorry.  got off on a little tangent.  anyway.  i said i would say everything so i am.  i will give you guys my measurements.... including my weight. which my mother doesn't even know.  hopefully, this will help me stay on track even more.  although, i must say- i am dedicated! teehee. ok, so here it is....deep breath. i'm 5'10 and i weigh, right now... 145.  fluctuating between 137-145.  tragic, huh? my measurements are 32.26.39.  damn that booty!! haha... and to think it was bigger! used to measure...ready for this number? ....45! haha see everyone, working out does work!

ok well, that wasn't so bad... i don't exactly know what weight i want to get down to, i just know i need to get smaller numbers in terms of my measurements.  and of course, look skinnier.  the number on the scale doesn't really matter... i just need to look smaller.  thats the goal here.  so thats goal #1.  which leads to goal #2.... get. into. an. agency.

here it is.

so it has been about 9 months since i moved out to new york from miami and so far i'd say its been ok. others, on the other hand, looking from the outside in, would say it has been amazing adventure for me. i mean, so far, i have been in glamour magazine, on a reality tv show (Model Latina NYC on SiTV) and even walked New York Fashion Week! maybe these things let my family and friends back at home know that i am becoming "known" in the modeling industry...but in reality, these are merely drops in the ocean. Let me explain...


in november of last year i made a very rash decision to move to new york. it was because of my older brother that i am here, he was actually the one that booked my one way flight while he was with me on the phone.. i did not tell anyone until the night of thanksgiving dinner when i broke it down to my family. "what are you going to do for money?" is what my parents kept asking me...."i'll figure it out"- is what i kept repeating. in my head i kept thinking that my severance money from my previous employer was going to hold me off until at least the next year... boy, was i wrong. lets fast forward a little bit- by this point no one thought i wanted to come to new york to "model"- they basically thought i just wanted to come because i have always wanted to come live here. i kept it very secretive because of what i was going through within myself. my insecurities. what people would say of me. what they would think.


regardless, i wanted to try it out- it has been what i always wanted to do since i was a little girl. so i did. i came out here on jan. 6 and i have never been happier in a city. honest to God, this city brings me to life. as soon as that plane touched down, i felt like i was home and there was no looking back. i knew what i had to do and the only way to go was up. i looked up castings and such and found Model Latina NYC- went for it and got it! got casted for season 3 and unfortunately, or fortunately (whatever your take on it is), i didn't win. got booted off the show and cried myself all the way back to my tiny apt in the west village... maybe it was my looks, or that they already knew what they wanted or maybe it was my lack of confidence... but i sure have learned a lot from that experience and from these past 9 months here in the city.


i wanted to create this little escape to vent just as a map of my journey to my goals that i have set for myself. i have many that i will lay out here. many that are extremely hard to attain. but i will not stop until i do.  i will try to be extremely vulnerable here. something that is VERY hard for me to do in my personal life. just because i need to grow as i person, i need to rid myself of the insecurities that tie me down and continue to fight the battles within my own mind. 


people need to reach for more and this is me reaching.  i want to succeed.  i am no where near where i want to be.  i have much, much, more to go.  will you follow?