model latina nyc.

i didn't want to write about this but since the finale party was 2 days ago and i did not attend, it has been on my mind quite a bit.  so i was one of the lucky15 chosen to be on the show, model latina nyc, on SiTV that started airing in the beginning of august.  the point of the show is basically, one girl gets chosen to represent the network as their 'model latina'- mind you, she needs to have more than just beauty.  encompassing class, brains, and all that comes with it.  teehehe. bueno,  let's talk about prizes.  the winner walks away with a hosting gig from SiTV (nice!), $25,000 (not too shabby), and what was on MY mind the entire time.... a contract with q model management.  stayed tuned to watch who wins...

so. what happened? my ass got eliminated.  twice. ha.  but here's the thing.  i get eliminated because...well, the first time for reasons we will never know.  maybe it was just for tv. i mean, they do want drama, and they did bring me back.  who knows and at this point. it doesn't even matter.  :) now, the second time- pfft. bs. you couldn't see me through the picture? gimme a break.  if the competition was really about 'a picture'- most of those girls would have gotten sent home a long time ago.  but again, null and void.  i wish everyone i worked with a lot of success because honestly, there is a lot of room for everyone in this world to succeed.  we can't be greedy.

the show was a great experience, keep in mind that it is a reality tv show... but you know what, reality is reality.  what was said, was said.  and you can choose to do either one of two things- flame the fire, or walk away.  i chose to walk away. ;)

im a wimp.

what is wrong with me? over these past few months i could say that i've tried to get signed with an agency. i could. i mean, could i? could i REALLY say that i have done everything in my power to get signed.  people would think so.  but no, i haven't.  why? because i am a damn sissy.  because i am afraid that the same thing that has happened to me for the last 9 or 10 years of my life will keep happening.  rejection.  and yes, i have sent my pictures to A LOT of agencies here in new york, and you may be thinking 'well, you haven't gotten signed to any of those...weren't you rejected?" ah! yes... but you see, not to my face.  that's where things take a turn for the interesting.  i could take a "no" via email.  but if the 'no' is in front of me... ek. God help me.

so anyway,  i recently met a new friend who is also an amazing make-up artist.. unbelievable! her work is honestly, faultless. well, she has been placed in my life for a reason, i believe, and for a good one.  although we have only spoken a few times, she inspires me.  to be me. and that i am enough.  as cheesy as it sounds, its true.  the first time we sat down and actually spoke to her, i just let it all out, it was like i was speaking to a sister who knew what i was feeling.  and she understood.  she was actually the one who asked if i had walked into any agencies and dumbfounded when i said no... she also said 'what the hell are you waiting for?!'- so last night, we agreed that by the end of next week, i would go into at least one agency.  just one.  you know, a stepping stone?  just talking about it freaks me out.  

and you know, i don't know what is wrong with me.  why am i so freaking insecure?  and please, what i am about to say is not out of conceit or cockiness at all... i am just speaking to speak... people tell me i am beautiful or gorgeous all the time.  and the thing that REALLY baffles my mind, i really get compliments when i am not wearing any make-up or just going to the gym.  which is when i think i look the worst.  i actually think it had to do with something i experienced growing up? i compared myself a lot to other girls.  i mean, i still do. clearly.  i mean, it is what it is.  right?

the facts.

agencies want what? extremely thin girls that are merely skin and bones.  unfortunately for me, that is not the case.  i have been struggling with my weight for as long as i can remember.  i'm not here to say that i am extremely heavy, please do not get me wrong.  but for what i want to do, i am just not the right size.  anyway,  i have already lost a total of 45 pounds overall since i first started dieting a couple years back when i made the decision that i wasn't happy with my body.  but now, now- is when it has become extremely difficult to lose the last of it.  i've hit a plateau and i'm in between a range weight and it just plain sucks. i see these girls in castings and shoots that are all so tall and skinny and of course they get the job because it is what they are looking for.  and here is the thing, even before i meet with the casting directors, my head is all out of whack because i have already psyched myself out by comparing myself to all of these other girls who are, i hate to say it, half my size.  so what happens? my insecurities and my lack of confidence crawls up and i bomb it. another one bites the dust.

i know i can do what these girls are doing. come on.  really?  because they have skinnier legs?  give me a break.  don't people like curves?  people are hypocrites is what they are.  people in the fashion industry are saying that they are welcoming "curvier" models..... ummmmm....... where are they?  if by curvier models you mean women with bigger breasts, i'm not buying it.

sorry.  got off on a little tangent.  anyway.  i said i would say everything so i am.  i will give you guys my measurements.... including my weight. which my mother doesn't even know.  hopefully, this will help me stay on track even more.  although, i must say- i am dedicated! teehee. ok, so here it is....deep breath. i'm 5'10 and i weigh, right now... 145.  fluctuating between 137-145.  tragic, huh? my measurements are 32.26.39.  damn that booty!! haha... and to think it was bigger! used to measure...ready for this number? ....45! haha see everyone, working out does work!

ok well, that wasn't so bad... i don't exactly know what weight i want to get down to, i just know i need to get smaller numbers in terms of my measurements.  and of course, look skinnier.  the number on the scale doesn't really matter... i just need to look smaller.  thats the goal here.  so thats goal #1.  which leads to goal #2.... get. into. an. agency.

here it is.

so it has been about 9 months since i moved out to new york from miami and so far i'd say its been ok. others, on the other hand, looking from the outside in, would say it has been amazing adventure for me. i mean, so far, i have been in glamour magazine, on a reality tv show (Model Latina NYC on SiTV) and even walked New York Fashion Week! maybe these things let my family and friends back at home know that i am becoming "known" in the modeling industry...but in reality, these are merely drops in the ocean. Let me explain...


in november of last year i made a very rash decision to move to new york. it was because of my older brother that i am here, he was actually the one that booked my one way flight while he was with me on the phone.. i did not tell anyone until the night of thanksgiving dinner when i broke it down to my family. "what are you going to do for money?" is what my parents kept asking me...."i'll figure it out"- is what i kept repeating. in my head i kept thinking that my severance money from my previous employer was going to hold me off until at least the next year... boy, was i wrong. lets fast forward a little bit- by this point no one thought i wanted to come to new york to "model"- they basically thought i just wanted to come because i have always wanted to come live here. i kept it very secretive because of what i was going through within myself. my insecurities. what people would say of me. what they would think.


regardless, i wanted to try it out- it has been what i always wanted to do since i was a little girl. so i did. i came out here on jan. 6 and i have never been happier in a city. honest to God, this city brings me to life. as soon as that plane touched down, i felt like i was home and there was no looking back. i knew what i had to do and the only way to go was up. i looked up castings and such and found Model Latina NYC- went for it and got it! got casted for season 3 and unfortunately, or fortunately (whatever your take on it is), i didn't win. got booted off the show and cried myself all the way back to my tiny apt in the west village... maybe it was my looks, or that they already knew what they wanted or maybe it was my lack of confidence... but i sure have learned a lot from that experience and from these past 9 months here in the city.


i wanted to create this little escape to vent just as a map of my journey to my goals that i have set for myself. i have many that i will lay out here. many that are extremely hard to attain. but i will not stop until i do.  i will try to be extremely vulnerable here. something that is VERY hard for me to do in my personal life. just because i need to grow as i person, i need to rid myself of the insecurities that tie me down and continue to fight the battles within my own mind. 


people need to reach for more and this is me reaching.  i want to succeed.  i am no where near where i want to be.  i have much, much, more to go.  will you follow?