im a wimp.

what is wrong with me? over these past few months i could say that i've tried to get signed with an agency. i could. i mean, could i? could i REALLY say that i have done everything in my power to get signed.  people would think so.  but no, i haven't.  why? because i am a damn sissy.  because i am afraid that the same thing that has happened to me for the last 9 or 10 years of my life will keep happening.  rejection.  and yes, i have sent my pictures to A LOT of agencies here in new york, and you may be thinking 'well, you haven't gotten signed to any of those...weren't you rejected?" ah! yes... but you see, not to my face.  that's where things take a turn for the interesting.  i could take a "no" via email.  but if the 'no' is in front of me... ek. God help me.

so anyway,  i recently met a new friend who is also an amazing make-up artist.. unbelievable! her work is honestly, faultless. well, she has been placed in my life for a reason, i believe, and for a good one.  although we have only spoken a few times, she inspires me.  to be me. and that i am enough.  as cheesy as it sounds, its true.  the first time we sat down and actually spoke to her, i just let it all out, it was like i was speaking to a sister who knew what i was feeling.  and she understood.  she was actually the one who asked if i had walked into any agencies and dumbfounded when i said no... she also said 'what the hell are you waiting for?!'- so last night, we agreed that by the end of next week, i would go into at least one agency.  just one.  you know, a stepping stone?  just talking about it freaks me out.  

and you know, i don't know what is wrong with me.  why am i so freaking insecure?  and please, what i am about to say is not out of conceit or cockiness at all... i am just speaking to speak... people tell me i am beautiful or gorgeous all the time.  and the thing that REALLY baffles my mind, i really get compliments when i am not wearing any make-up or just going to the gym.  which is when i think i look the worst.  i actually think it had to do with something i experienced growing up? i compared myself a lot to other girls.  i mean, i still do. clearly.  i mean, it is what it is.  right?