i'm flyin' out to cali.

so i haven't made it aware on this blog that i booked the gig with Clairol for the hair show in california..they're chopping my locks and dying my hair! they sent me a picture of what they are doing to it but i'm still coming to terms with them cutting it. the dying part, i can cover that up- but the length of it... eehhhhhh, it's gonna take a while for it to grow back!

i am so excited well because, i've never been but also, because its for a job! hopefully, this is the first of many more coming!  

...i don't know whats going on. nothing is coming out of me right now. not so in the mood to write right now.  i'll come back.

visions mean something.

back when i was living in miami, i had about 30 pictures or so of victoria secret and sport illustrated models all over my room and behind my door.  every time one of my friends or family members walked in, they would either question me, ask if i was ok, or just make fun of me.  what was the point of this? well, at this point: i still had dreams of modeling but the main reason these pictures were up was to motivate me to lose weight.  fast forward a couple months.... i lost 40 pounds.  

now, maybe a couple months before i moved to new york, i had this desire to cut out some magazine pictures of giselle, adriana, and some shoots that i wanted to do and i put them all in a huge piece of poster board... wrote a couple of quotes on them and viola, i had my first vision board.  that stayed in miami.  

it wasn't until recently that i reached out to an acquaintance for some advice on the industry and she brought up the vision board which got me thinking about mine and why in the heck i haven't done it here! i mean, that just wasn't like me! so what do you think i did? go on... i'll wait for you to guess.... uh huh.... yes! i made a vision board. well, started it that night.  that night being yesterday. and finished today. :)

so this is what i think- you can't just sit on your romp and wait for whatever it is you want to magically manifest in your life, you need to have your goals clear and keep them in front of you.  essentially, its the law of attraction. believe that its out there waiting for you to grab it. make the connection: see it on the board.. see it in you life. and connect it. make it come to life. it can happen.  again, this isn't meant to be some 'magic trick'- this is your constant reminder for you to take the actions needed to have these goals come to life. to stay motivated and focused on a daily basis.  

...and thats exactly what i wanted to do with my vision board.  i put things for my personal growth and of course, for my career.  i will look at it every single time i walk in my room, wake up, walk out, lay down... everything. and every time i do, i will process my goals and aspirations and i will not only think of ideas of how to reach those goals but i will see myself attaining each and everyone of them. one step at a time.  

return to me.

no, im not asking anyone to return to me.  im simply stating that i am returning to who i really am.  its incredible.  i dont really know at which point in yesterday this change happened but it did and i could not be happier.  honestly, i feel like i have experienced a miracle within myself.  it is as if i have awaken from the bad dream i was in and im now extremely conscious of the choices i make.  i have a goal, right? so every single choice i make throughout my day needs to be directed towards that goal. no matter what.  it is all connected. i cant steer away from that any longer.  but here is the little catch-  for that brief moment (to me, felt like an eternity), everything i had to do towards that "goal" felt like a chore, and that is where i was wrong.  it shouldn not be that way.  i want this- so i should love it.  i want to do this for the rest of my life, so i should do everything with love. and i guarantee that my results will be better, tenfold.

i went to a class yesterday, hot yoga to be exact.  i've taken a hand full of yoga classes before and im a dancer so it comes a little easier than most. however, when it comes to the "crow pose" or the "head stand" i have NEVER been able to do those.  and when i say never, i am not trying to be modest in any way shape or form.  i really do mean NEVER. so- point of this little side note is this: i am in my class, and the entire yoga class, my "intention" is to go back to my main focus, my goal here in ny. to succeed. so we get to the crow... um. first try- BAM. mama sticks it! what the heck is going on?!?! after 7 seconds i fall. i try again, i stick it again. really? something is going on.  moving on.... headstand. my roommate and i go against the wall just incase.. i tell her that im not even going to try it because i can never even get my legs above my head.. she encourages it.  telling me that it can't be that hard... so i give it a shot. and again, on my first try- BAM! mama sticks it again. at this point im freaked out. what the heck just happened?! seriously, i know  that  mastering (for lack of a better word) a couple yoga tricks doesn't really mean that there was a shift in the world and i will never go through my sad phase again.. but you know what, it made me see things clearly.  its all in the way you perceive things. anything is possible when you CHOOSE to look at things in the right light.

so to end this little inspirational short story, just try to improve your days by knowing that you deserve all the good.  you really do.  and believe me, it will come to you.  make a conscious effort to improve your thoughts and you will see a difference.  i did.  until next time...

finally, she's back.

it has been a hot minute since i've been on here.  and i could apologize to my "followers"-- but i am a lot smarter than that.. haha.  i'm pretty sure i have about only a handful of people that read this... and of course, that is when they have nothing better to do. so, instead, after much thinking, i should apologize to myself.  i think that this blog became sort of my accountability and for a while, i was doing great.  and then, i don't know what happened.  eehhh, scratch that. i do know what happened.  i got a job. i became extremely busy and pushed this to the side. way, way to the side. i always thought about it, but 'never got around to it'.  i need to be able to learn how to balance everything out. i can't be going in and out of this 'puddle' i constantly find myself in.  i don't like it.  i tell myself daily, i know how to be where i want to be so why not just do it? apparently, its not that easy? so i am going to try and commit myself to writing in this blog daily- even if it doesn't have to do with modeling. because i still have a goal and i still want to reach it.  and if this is going to help me stay committed within myself, causing me to reach my goal faster-- well, then, there's really nothing to talk about.

i came across a quote on my older brothers facebook page that really made me question everything.  very simple and to the point... "you make your priorities clear through your actions".  yea, you can't get any more real than that.  i was kind of taken back and made me realize, what the hell am i doing? but of course, after i read that- i let it soak for about 10 minutes, and continued on with my life.  my motivation has been lifted from me for some reason.  that drive that i once had.. i need to get it back.  but how? is the question i've been asking.. and why is it gone?! 


you know, it may be that i work with a lot of amazing people at A&F and they are all mostly signed to agencies.  and when i say mostly, i mean mostly.  maybe 2 aren't. one of those being myself and another girl- and thats because she doesn't model. ha. well anyway, i see these girls- and they are signed with these great agencies and then here i am. where i have been busting my ass to lose weight and get pictures taken and agencies won't take me.  you would think that would motivate me some more and light a fire under my ass, no? nope.  i don't work that way unfortunately.  it just happens so easily for them.  which makes me think, maybe i'm not supposed to doing this if i have to work this hard for it? ...because how hard to you have to work to become a model? ...right? 


in this city, damn hard.  and i'm not stopping.  

is it worth it...?

I'm here. They're there. Something happens.. And I can't do anything about it.  Is it worth it? I mean, is this all worth it? Any of it? Me living in "the city of dreams", is it worth not being with my family? Not being there in times of need? I fully understand that if I were there, I probably would have the same capacity that I have now of doing anything but just being around that person that needs your support makes all the difference. At least for me.  I know I would want that.  That is what I miss most.  Being surrounded by the people that I KNOW love me.  We don't even have to talk... Just stand next to me.  The presence of these people bring me such peace and joy. And today, I can't do that to one of the people that means the most in my life.  Why? because I'm here.  Is it me being selfish? I hate this.  I just want to be there.  I want to help- do something. My tears won't stop-  they just keep falling like clockwork.  I'm sure it's going to be a great compliment for work.  I'm a mess today.  I wish I could blink and be in Miami. If life could be that simple, eh? My apologies if this didn't make much sense... I'm all over the place today.  

So somethings happening... And I don't like I one bit. I feel like I'm losing my motivation, my drive to make it. Actually, maybe that's not entirely true.  Maybe I'm just let down.  I let myself down a lot... And yes, I know- we are our own worse critiques but I cant help but to feel this way. I just see so many people achieving so much... And please, don't misinterpret what I'm saying, I love that they are but I feel like I am working as hard as they are in some things- why aren't I seeing the same results? Whats wrong with ME? Ya know? If I'm doing the same things, maybe a little more at times, why is it that I'm seeing different results.  Not good enough ones. Not so sure that last sentence made sense.  Oh well, in my head it did.  Anyway, back to the point at hand... I dont want to fail. I set these goals for myself and my biggest fear, is failing. Not achieving what I've been working toward.  Makes me think if I work this hard, and don't make it.... Is it worth it? But there is this burning desire for me- and I feel like I will, as so many other people will.  But for right now, I'm going through a little bump in the road called "#ifeelasimnotgoodenough".  Im always trying to motivate myself in different ways... But for some reason, something is trying to knock me down.  But here is the silver lining, this is JUST a bump and I will drive (or walk, jump, run, or if I have to.... I will crawl over that bitch. (Just sayin'). I know that I can and I will... You'll see. Until then... Thanks for letting me vent on the subway ;) 

danskin!

the site went up over the thanksgiving holiday! i loved it! here are some screenshots! :)

xo, 

me <3